I realise I share very little about myself and my thoughts in this blog. I guess it’s because I know a handful of people read this blog. Most of these people don’t know me personally.
Then why blog right? Or why keep this blog public?
Remember this blog was started as a parenting blog. It was meant to contain resources and tips for new parents, and to chart Aly’s milestones. It was intended to have less focus on me, my thoughts and my feelings. Before this, I kept too blogs – one on live journal and another on wordpress. I was a lot more candid on those blogs.
Ever since I became a mother, I looked less into myself and allowed my thoughts to be ruled by parenthood.
I hope to change this though, and share more or my thoughts as an individual, not as a mother, not as a wife, but as a girl, as Zee.
Last night, on the cab back from dinner, when I had sometime alone, I thought about how I have changed in the last 10 years. Questions along the lines of how am I different? What prompted these changes? Am I happy with the me now? filled my mind.
A dinner date with my bunch of girlfriends prompted these thoughts. We have been friends for over a decade. We have watched each other grow from nerdy thirteen year olds to the adults we are today. And as I observed everyone at the table, I realise we have all changed in one way or another.
Here are the changes I see in myself from 10 years ago:
1) I’ve learnt to chill.
I used to be uptight about everything. There was a lot of anxiety in me and i was constantly worrying. Ys taught me how to chill and to learn that we can’t control all things in life. I laugh more. i am more candid. I live by the mantra “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”.
2) I love myself more.
I had an inferiority complex in the past. I looked down on myself. I thought I wasn’t good enough and that everyone else was better. It probably had to do with my upbringing. I don’t know if it comes with age but I am a lot more comfortable with myself now. I guess it also has to do with the fact that I understand myself better now. I see my strengths and play them to my benefit, and accept my flaws and move on. This is one of the greatest changes I feel I have made, especially now that I am a wife and a mother. It is tough playing these roles if you don’t start off by loving yourself.
3) I am a lot more optimistic.
I used to see the glass half empty but now I see the glass half full. I guess this is related to point 1, but I’m generally happier and more contented. I guess I’ve met enough people to realise that I really have very little to complain about. And I am at a point where I am truly grateful for everything I have.
4) I am less emotional and sensitive.
My husband will probably disagree with this but I will say that I have come a long way in this aspect. I used to be an emotional wreck. I cared too much about what people said and what people thought of me. I read between the lines and was easily hurt by words or actions of others. Guess this is related to #1 and #2, because I now care less about what people say and think, because these people are entitled to their opinions and I take things less personally.
5) I stand up for myself now.
I have always had a problem with assertiveness. I find it difficult to put my foot down, to push my views and to basically protect myself. I am still learning but I’m doing a better job now!
1) No longer a romantic.
I grew up reading romantic novels and having too many romantic notions, and got bitter at some point when I realised that fairytales don’t exist. I snapped out of my la la land. Not entirely a bad thing I guess. When you acknowledge that life isn’t a fairytale, you have less unrealistic expectations.
2) I have less patience.
Again, I don’t know if this comes with age, but I’m less patient with people in general (other than towards Aly). One of my personal resolutions for 2013 is to cultivate patience.
3) I am less generous with my time.
This started from private practice days. Work hours were really long and I had to prioritise. Most weekends were spent with family and catching up on sleep. Things got better after I switched jobs, but somehow, I lost that generosity. I am fiercely possessive of my time. Now, as a mother, time is even more precious. Juggling work, baby, family has drained me and somedays, all I wanna do is to take time off work and curl up in bed alone. Again, I think this is inevitable. After all, we only have 24 hours a day!
Now, this is therapeutic! Whenever I do up a list like that, I understand myself a little better and that is always a good thing.
How will your list look like?